The reason I have waited so long to post is not due to lack of projects to write about, rather the lack of work I feel good about. I have hit some nice walls over the past few months that have been used to grow me as a husband, man, and actor. All actors have work they are not particularly proud of. So, what do you do with it?
I submitted for a role that called for an actor who can handle "extremely emotional scenes". The role was of a boyfriend who has a mentally sick girlfriend (nut shelled), but we were only going to shoot a trailer for the short film. We meet up in Bronxville and right away started to discuss the shoot for that day. To cut to the chase I was not feeling it at all during the most important scene. I felt like I was acting rather than experiencing truth.
In my mind i was searching for someone to blame. "Ahh, the director wasn't directing, my partner isn't being real, it's the writing the writing is weak!! I am hard on myself as most actors are so I will usually default to my responsibilities as the performer and end up with the finger pointing at no one but me.
At the end of the day it doesn't matter who's fault it is, but what can be gleaned from the shoot. My wife is irreplaceable as a source of encouragement. She reminds me of God's will in my life and my relationship with Him and that I can rely on Him. She reminded me of growing from a place that has room to grow. "Isaac you keep learning new things that you can take away from each and every job, so remember what you learned from this for next time."
For me it is not about relying on myself and how great I can be, but rather realizing that I am loved by an awesome God who, in fact is the Creator of all things. I believe I was created in His image and likeness which is why I desire to, in turn, create. I will post this as an honest statement that I am not disillusioned and look forward the hard work and growth ahead.
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